the true meaning of... slash?
by audig
Summary: a collaboration between audig and pocky-eating tomoyo. you know you love it! Ch. 4 will be up as soon as TOMOYO GETS HER BUTT IN GEAR! *ahem* now, this is possibly the most random story i have ever co-authored, but a plot is starting to emerge. draco/ron
1. Pickled Oranges

Introduction:  
  
Sunlight streamed in the windows of the fifth year boy Gryffindors' dorm. Everyone was currently in the common room studying, or else sneaking snacks out of the kitchen. The room was quite barren with all of it's neatly made beds. Silence. Such a lovely sound fills the air.  
  
Wait. I, the author of this chapter, am quite mistaken! There is one bed, over by the wall, yes that one, with the curtains drawn shut that noises are coming from. I do believe that it's none other than the bed of Ron Weasley. Oh, my! Is it just me, or did those moaning sounds just sound like Ron saying, "You look just like Ritchie Rich."  
  
Let's take a closer look:  
  
  
  
Beginning of actual chapter:  
  
Draco Malfoy and Ron Weasley were snogging. Yes, on Ron's bed. They had been going out secretly for a week now, and just could not resist any longer.  
  
Ron had liked Draco ever since. well. never. But we're going to say he did ever since. um. well he just has for a long time okay? Draco, however, had only recently discovered his rather potent feelings for Ron, the past week, in fact, when he had caught Ron trying to cop a feel in potions. They had been going out since.  
  
"Ron.?" The light haired boy managed to squeeze in between frenching.  
  
"Yes?" Ron tried to say this while snogging, and Draco didn't understand it, but pulled away for a moment to finish the question.  
  
"Why me? When you know that you could have Hermione?"  
  
Ron shrugged, anxious to get back to snogging, and moaned, "You look just like Ritchie Rich." This was good enough for Draco, who immediately started kissing Ron again.  
  
  
  
Harry was beginning to get worried. Where was Ron? He had said that he would only be a minute. Potter, of course had no way of knowing whom Ron had discovered waiting in his bed for him, as he was ignorant of the relationship. He hoped that he hadn't fallen out a window or something, it sounded like something Ron might do.  
  
Ah well, he had better go check on the poor boy. Harry had noticed that Ron had become especially clumsy over the past week. Perhaps he had finally admitted to Hermione that he liked her or something, although that relationship hadn't been any different.  
  
He continued to ponder this worriedly as he went up the stairs to the dorms, unaware that he was about to pull a Natalie of sorts. And he did scream, once he had opened the door. Ron appeared to be tangled up in his bed curtains from his point of view, because he couldn't see through them, but he was afraid that his friend might be suffocating.  
  
  
  
Hearing the noise, Ron poked his head out.  
  
"Oh! Hi, Harry!" He said, as Draco scrambled for cover.  
  
Harry somehow managed to stop yelling. "Oh, hi. Right. Are you okay? I thought you might be dying judging by the sounds coming out of there."  
  
"Er. no. I'm fine. Couldn't be better. Smashing, in fact. I think I'll go for a walk."  
  
Even Harry wasn't that dense. He sighed, "What are you hiding?"  
  
"N-nothing." Ron stammered, as Draco tickled his feet. Draco never did have any idea how to keep cover. Ron couldn't help but laugh hysterically. He's very ticklish, you know, although not so much as Draco. but that comes later.  
  
Harry frowned. He knew Ron was lying, especially because he kept laughing like that. Harry wondered stupidly what he should do. He stood there, staring perplexed at Ron. "Tell me what it is!" He finally shouted.  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Nyah nyah nyah, I can't hear you!" Harry sang with his fingers in his ears. "Wait! I don't have to take this!" He stomped over to Ron's bed and pulled aside the curtains, revealing Draco. Once again, Harry screamed like a schoolgirl.  
  
"Calm down!" Draco shouted at him.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed in anguish. HE was supposed to be the one paired with Draco in slash fan fiction. Ron just wasn't special enough. It wasn't fair.  
  
Ron gave Harry a bewildered look because of the very odd Natalie that he was pulling. "Um. Harry? I can explain. see-"  
  
Harry couldn't take the insult any more and fled the dorm. He was still shouting when he ran into Hermione in the common room. Everyone was staring at him.  
  
  
  
Hermione was doing some of her famous "light" reading. It was rather an interesting book, actually, all about the fine points of why 2+2 have to equal 17.2. However, she wasn't able to concentrate. Images of Ron, the boy she felt she might never be able to admit that she likes kept floating into her head. She was just about to give up when she heard Harry's girly scream coming from upstairs.  
  
She closed her book, wondering what it was THIS time. It stopped briefly, and then started up again as he ran in the room, nearly knocking her off her chair. He finally stopped making that dreadful noise and gasped for air.  
  
  
  
Harry pointed at the staircase, apparently trying to tell her something.  
  
"What?"  
  
He kept pointing.  
  
"What, are the stairs going to eat you?"  
  
He looked quite frightened for a moment before shaking his head. "Ron-"  
  
"Ron's going to eat you?"  
  
He shook his head, still out of breath, "and Malfoy-"  
  
".are going to eat you?" Hermione had a one-track mind when she was hungry, but didn't believe for some reason in stealing food from the kitchen.  
  
"-snogging."  
  
"WHAT?" How dare the authors of this fanfic! SHE was supposed to be paired with Ron, not Draco. How dense are they? Besides, she was generally shocked at the prospect that HER Ronnie was gay. Wait, if she liked one gay guy, did that mean that VIKTOR was gay? She shuddered at the thought.  
  
Harry nodded, still looking shocked himself.  
  
Hermione pulled a Vinnie and a Bria at the same time. (That means she leapt into his arms and fainted, all of you people not up on your MA jargon)  
  
Harry dropped her and she got up.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I turned you into a newt."  
  
"A newt?"  
  
Harry paused. "No, but it sounded cool."  
  
Hermione shrugged. She was used to these odd comments from Harry by now, after all of the strange fanfics they had been through together. "I guess I got better."  
  
"Hmm."  
  
Her eyes suddenly narrowed as her memory of the previous few moments returned. "We have to break them up."  
  
Harry grinned maliciously. "I agree. I truly agree."  
  
The rest of the common room, who had been attempting to follow this conversation, looked at each other are shrugged. "What's a newt?" Neville asked the seventh year sitting nearest to him. *Facefault*  
  
  
  
After Harry left, Malfoy turned to Ron. "Well. that was productive."  
  
"It was?"  
  
"Sarcasm, dear."  
  
Ron came back to his senses. "Oh, yeah. Duh. Anywho, what should we do?"  
  
"Nothing. They'll have to give us a chance to explain eventually." Yeah, the authors are really going to do that. Uh-huh. Sure. Keep fooling yourself kid. It's way too much fun to watch you SUFFER! BWAHAHAHA!  
  
Ron, oblivious to the thoughts of the author, shrugged. "I guess you're right."  
  
They couple then returned to their snogging session, which the author of this chapter really doesn't want to describe in very much detail, so we'll move on.  
  
  
  
Ginny was listening to Harry and Hermione plot. As far as she could tell, they had a foolproof plan. She only wished that it was to get her together with Harry, not Malfoy.  
  
"Now," Hermione was saying, "Remember, we have to pretend like we're okay with it, or it won't work. Reverse psychology may just be that turning point."  
  
Harry nodded vigorously. "Yeah!" He had no idea what she was talking about, but it sounded good.  
  
After a while, their meeting of sorts broke up, and Hermione and Harry went off to their own dorms. ("Oh, get a room!" was Harry's comment when he saw Ron and Draco still at it. They ignored him.)  
  
Hermione nearly ran Ginny down as she went up the girls' staircase.  
  
"Oh, hello, Hermione." Was all she had time to say before Hermione began to yell at her.  
  
"Were you just listening in to my and Harry's conversation? I've told you, stalking a guy is NOT the answer!" (The authors beg to differ) "And anyway, you should be studying!"  
  
"Are Ron and Malfoy really going out?" Ginny asked.  
  
Hermione sighed; her friend would never let her finish a rant. Why was she friends with her anyway? She wouldn't even let her rant! She hid her feelings very well however, when she answered calmly, "It certainly does appear to be that way."  
  
"And does Harry REALLY want to break them up just to go out with Malfoy?" Hermione could tell that Ginny was close to tears.  
  
"Well, that's what he says, but I think he's faking it to deny me the trouble of admitting I like Ron."  
  
"You like Ron?"  
  
"What rock have you been hiding under?"  
  
"That one. Over there." Ginny pointed to a large boulder that had suddenly appeared in the common room. It seemed to be made of Limestone, and smelled vaguely of fish sticks. No, the authors don't know why they cared what a rock smelled like, so give it a rest already!  
  
"I see." Hermione rambled. "Anyhow, would you like me to get you and Harry together too, as long as I have a large plan."  
  
"If it's not too much of a bother-"  
  
"Oh, not at all! Just a little revising here and there. yes, this should work out nicely." She licked her lips in anticipation. Oh, what an interesting fanfic this was turning out to be, what would the two authors do next? 


	2. Earwax Telephone

In the last chapter:  
  
Ron and Draco have finally realized that they didn't really hate each other, it was just their way of compensating for latent homosexual feelings. well actually they did hate each other, but slash writers like our theory better. So they snogged, not realizing that Harry would soon pull a Natalie. If you don't know what that means, go read the last chapter and put it in context. Now, what they also don't know is that Harry realizes that Draco should only be slashed with HIM, being that Ron is not special enough. He and Hermione hatch a Machiavellian (I LOVE THAT WORD) plan to break them up, giving them both a chance to snag Draco and Ron, respectively. At the same time, Ginny and Hermione are plotting to get the fourth year girl to go with Harry. However, Hermione's the only one who realizes the authors are completely disturbed and insane.  
  
Beginning of chapter:  
  
It was still. The only sound was a faint dripping from the ceiling and the quiet shuffle and flutter of robes as he swept across the dank room. The tubes, the bottles, the capsules in front of him glimmered softly in the barely-lit room. He glared at them. It came naturally.  
  
He finally unscrewed the first tube, and with the inexperience of a true amateur, twisted its bottom. He was rewarded by a jutting out of grapefruit- pink lipstick, perfectly shaped, never used. Examining it dourly, he finally resigned himself to applying it. Running its dryish top over his thin lip, he wondered if he should just give up and leave this to his fanta-  
  
NO! He had to do it. For. for his sanity's sake! He ran it across again, rewarded by a lusher, more vibrant colour. Each coat made him look even prettier and prettier, like a beautiful pink princess. Oh, but they never let him play princess. They left him out at the unicorn rainbow smiley tea party, they screamed when he tried to play dollies. with renewed vigor, he dropped the lipstick to the table and unscrewed the mascara, yanking out the wand dripping in thick black inky black stuff, like oil for his lashes. Beautiful. He applied it not-so-carefully and daintily admired the thick clumps perched haphazardly around his eyes. Blinking flirtily, he knew that this was how he was meant to be.  
  
The Gryffindor common room was filled with squirming students, attempting to memorize their Potions ingredients. Snape's wrath was nothing to mess with. Neville looked particularly nervous, because he was missing his "lucky" toad. lucky being used loosely here. After all, there are many forms of luck. Ask me to tell you about it some day, my child. The only person not concerned about homework was, interestingly enough, Hermione Granger. She knew that Ron was hiding his little boy-toy up there. She also knew that they were going to have to come down eventually. No one can stay in Ron's bed too long.  
  
And lo and behold, who would appear but Ron Weasely, with a rather large lump in his robes and an extra pair of legs wrapped around his waist, arms clutched around Ron for dear life. Strangely enough, no one seemed to notice but Ms. Granger. She glared haughtily at Ron, who cocked his head and finally said,  
  
"Oy, Hermione, what's wrong with you?"  
  
"Who's under your robe?" she asked, trying to keep her voice level but failing.  
  
"Ah. um." Ron muttered. His entire face turned as red as his. oh, come on, you know the cliché. Suddenly, there was a girlish squeal and Draco fell out of his robes, flat onto his guilty little butt (that was quite sore I may add). Hermione's already out of character rage flew into hyperdrive.  
  
"THAT'S IT, YOU BITCH!" Hermione grabbed her wand out of her waistpocket and pointed it at him like it was a sword or dagger or something cooler than a piece of wood with a feather in it. "YOU AND ME. OUTSIDE. NOW."  
  
"We. can't." Draco said feebly, groping for Ron's hand, looking for all the world like a little child that just saw a big scary clown. ".I mean. I. Ron."  
  
"ALRIGHT!" Hermione said, still talking in all caps. "THEN WE'RE TAKING IT." She thought desperately. Where could they go that would have the proper atmosphere for a fight to the death?  
  
"Snape's dungeon," she proclaimed, talking calmer now. "We will fight for Ron's love in the dungeon."  
  
"O.okay."  
  
Hermione ran through the hallways, needing to get to the dungeon first. She knew, from her vast storage of knowledge and amazing noseyness, that Snape was out buying some new materials for the next Potions unit. Therefore, she'd have a perfect opportunity to slaughter that little blonde TWIT.  
  
Ron and Draco lagged along slower, not wanting to face their opponent. Actually, it was because they were snogging, and it's damn hard to walk while your face is suctioned onto another's. Finally, they stumbled upon the fighting area.  
  
Hermione had pushed the tables away with the extraordinary powers of her anger, and had her wand drawn (how dorky does that sound?) and prepared for action.  
  
Draco grabbed his wand and wondered what to do. He then dropped it, because Hermione was going to go first and there's no messing with Hermione when she's this OOC.  
  
Hermione thrust her wand forward and said dramatically, "Umbrastoltusosa!" A huge "stupid shadow" shot out of her wand, because this is the meaning of the stupid Latin phrase that Tomoyo asked Audig to make up at eleven p.m. This attack was so mysterious that it immediately blew up the cauldron immediately behind Draco that Ms. Granger accidentally pointed at. At the explosion, a figure rushed out of a back room, robes aflutter. A trail of glitter followed.her?  
  
It was certainly no one that they remembered. Her skin was pallid and waxy- looking, most likely because she had layers of pale foundation smeared over her face-bar the two neon pink blotches on her cheekbones. Her lips were orange-pink, and the colour bled outside her lips, and on second inspection, onto her teeth. And her eyes-well, her lashes were fat as sausages, and her eyeshadow was a colour of turquoise blue only found in the bargain bin of K-Mart. To top off the look, there was a sad looking tiara atop her greasy, limp black hair, tilted to the side in her mad dash. She lifted a claw-like hand, covered in sparkly pink body glitter, and grabbed Hermione's shoulder.  
  
"What are you doing?" Professor Snape asked coldly, watching her squirm under his Barbie-pink nails. She gasped but didn't say anything, just staring in shock at his getup.  
  
"She's a he! She's Professor Snape!" Ron was babbling, backing to the door. "She. she's made. up."  
  
"GET OUT!" screamed Snape suddenly, his voice taking on a valleygirl pitch. "JUST GO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL! I HATE YOU! GO AWAY!" He stomped his feet and exhaled noisily. Quietly picking up his wand, Draco exited with the two others, looking shocked and scarred for life.  
  
Hermione knew she had to tell Harry. She ran up the corridors, driven by fear and anguish. "HARRY!" she screamed, her voice breaking. "HAAARRY!"  
  
The Gryffindor common room seemed completely empty. A fire flickered and spat from the hearth, and Hermione finally realized that the chair in front of it was occupied. The back was turned to her, but she knew.  
  
"Harry?" she said, quietly. She stepped forward, but the sudden spinning of the chair stopped her. Harry sat there, a serene smile on his face, holding a box of Bernie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. His smile grew wider and he held up a black-purple bean towards Hermione, as though it was a peace offering.  
  
"This one's Snape flavour."  
  
Hermione's eyes grew wider, and she looked up in desperation.  
  
She knew the truth.  
  
She finally looked back down, snapped "How do you know what that crossdresser tastes like?" and ran to bed, her head filled with thoughts of revenge and anarchy.  
  
The authors laughed, ominously. Oh yes, dear Hermione was right. It was indeed to be an interesting story. 


	3. It's all Vinnie's fault!

Professor Trelawney's predictions for this chapter:  
  
-Someone will say, " I look just like Draco Malfoy."  
  
-Hermione will tickle Draco  
  
-Peeves loves Pansy Parkinson  
  
-Trelawney will make an appearance.  
  
-Mrs. Norris will dye her hair a beautiful shade of green  
  
Dear, dear. Poor Trelawney, she seems to have her events all mixed up! I do hope she sorts it out after reading the chapter, but then, knowing her. and the fact that she doesn't really exist in this fic. we shall see.  
  
Beginning of chapter:  
  
"STOP IT! STOP IT!" Draco screamed in hysterics. Why must his entire house get such delight out of sneaking up on him WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING, and tickling him? "DO YOU NOT KNOW THE SCHOOL MOTTO?"  
  
"Yes, we do." Millicent said, giggleing. "Draco Dormiens Numquam Titillanus!"  
  
"Exactly. So why DO you tickle sleeping Draco when the very motto of our school strictly forbids it?"  
  
"Actually, Draco means dragon. I don't see any scales." Snape said smugly, as he continued to mercilessly tickle Draco's armpit.  
  
"Get away from me, you filthy cross dresser!" Draco screamed at him. No one seemed surprised at this outburst, nor did anyone else really care that Draco had just called the potions master a cross dresser. In fact, they just giggled and continued to tickle the defenseless Draco.  
  
That is, everyone but Pansy. She may be an ugly whore, but she knew what was happening to her house. She alone knew the truth. Two very odd fan fiction writers had forgotten to wipe her memory, or so she thought. SHE knew that they had begun a reign of terror, but why? Why must they torture her precious Draco so? Of course, she wouldn't be thinking this if she knew what audig and tomoyo had planned, or if she was aware of Draco's relationship with the Weasley boy.  
  
The authors snickered quietly at her ignorance.  
  
Meanwhile, over in Gryffindor land, Hermione awoke with a start. Her plan had failed. She herself had broken the reverse psychology rule, and Snape hadn't helped any when he burst into the room dressed as a woman. Of course, she knew that it wasn't her fault; she knew that the authors were out to get her. She was even bright enough to grasp that she was one of their least favorite characters. (Dear, dear. Perhaps Hermione needs to get her brain out of hyper drive. It is far too early in this fic for her to know that the authors hate her.)  
  
She reluctantly got out of bed and went down to breakfast accompanied by Ron and Harry, as usual. Ron was still frightened of her, with good reason, and so he forced Harry to sit between them. Harry, not being the smartest doornail on the block, had already forgotten how stupid the authors were to pair Ron with MALFOY, because Ron just wasn't special. So, Harry didn't complain, and Hermione felt quite alone. Good for her, this was the objective, you know.  
  
Normally she would have suggested a trip down to see Hagrid, but she couldn't quite seem to remember who he was. This worried her. What had the authors done to Dumbledore and Hagrid? Why weren't they in this fic? Were the authors really dense enough to think that they could get away with it? (Yes. Yes we are.)  
  
"Where'd Fred go?" she asked George, who was sitting near her, looking almost as lonely as she felt. (BWAHAHAHA! HERMIONE'S ALONE IN THE WORLD! Too bad we can't let this last.)  
  
"Fred?" George asked her bewildered. "OH! You mean the chap who looks like me?" (NO! she means the guy who ate your underwear.)  
  
"Yeah, him." Hermione sighed. This was going to be a LONG chapter.  
  
"He's- I dunno. Where is he?"  
  
"I asked you first." What were the authors DOING to her? She sounded like a little kid!  
  
George, by far the better of the two twins, decided to do the smart thing and ignore Hermione. She was really very annoying. (Hey, someone had to catch on eventually.)  
  
Hermione barely managed to keep her head during her first class. The authors apparently had her Arithmancy teacher on drugs or something, because he continually broke out into song for most of the class. What really irked her, however, was that no one even seemed to NOTICE! What typed of brainwashed idiots what to Hogwarts anyway?  
  
She grinned in malice. She had to do something that the authors would HATE! If she did it enough, perhaps they would give up of their pointless fic. She knew exactly what she had to do, so instead of going to lunch, she skipped happily through the halls humming, "He is a fool."  
  
She was temporarily held up, however when, Mrs. Norris streaked past her shrieking in a very un-catlike manner. Hermione soon under stood why. The authors were indeed, reining terror. Just as she had known they would.  
  
Only a few seconds after the terrified cat steered around the corner, she heard the voice of Peeves coming from the direction Mrs. Norris had. "MRS. NORRIS! BUT. BUT. I ONLY WANTED TO LOVE YOU!" The sounds of hysteric wailing soon followed.  
  
Hermione shook her head. Bedlam. That's what these authors were obsessed with causing. Bedlam. She then renewed her journey to Gryffindor tower with new exuberance. She WOULD stop the authors, if it were the last thing she did. (I hope she dies, and then she would no longer be able to thwart us in our mission of CHAOS and SLASH.)  
  
Perhaps it was the absence of Hermione at lunch, or perhaps it was just another ploy by the authors to make this fic interesting, but Pansy was shocked and appalled but what she witnessed that day at lunch.  
  
During the time when Hermione was busy being scarred for life in the corridor, Malfoy had gotten up in front of the Great Hall, and motioned for Ron to join him. Pansy sunk down in her seat. Why must she have a feeling that something very disturbing was about to happen?  
  
As soon as every one was seated and silent, a microphone appeared in one hand of each of the boys. The lights dimmed, and the crowed waited in hushed anticipation. Music stared playing, apparently from nowhere in particular, and the boys began to sing. The entire great hall burst into a mob and began to dance the weezer song.  
  
"OOOOOOO, OOOOOO. I look just like Ritchie Rich.." Draco sang out to the crowd of adoring fans, proclaiming his love for Ron as he sang with a sign that he tied around his neck.  
  
Ron caught the next line, "Yeah, and I'm Mary Tyler Moore."  
  
Pansy almost pulled a Vinnie. How embarrassing could this fic get? HER Draco was going out with RON? WEASLEY? She didn't believe it. She couldn't believe it. It was too much to bear. The only thing she knew for sure was that she was going to stop the authors' reign of terror. no matter what it took.  
  
The last chords of the song finally, after what seemed an eternity, rang out over the crowd. When the lights came up, everyone went back to their spot and started eating as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Pansy didn't believe it when she heard people congratulating Draco on his performance. She quickly slipped him a note that read:  
  
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?????????  
  
He didn't even bother to read it, and simply popped it in his mouth, swallowed, and winked at her. The HORROR! She burned with anger as she thought of how the authors were ruining her life and everyone else's, if they would wake up from dreamland.  
  
Her thought of malevolence about the kin and families of the authors was interrupted, however, when Hermione broke into the Great Hall screaming. Pansy had hardly noticed her absence, but it was impossible to ignore her presence now. For one, she was screaming at the top of her lungs. For another, her hair had been dyed a rather revolting shade of green, and it was rather blotchy, and Pansy could tell that far too much dye had been used on it.  
  
Again, Pansy was the only one who seemed to notice anything wrong. Everyone else, after one glance at the noise-making girl, shrugged and looked away. Pansy, however couldn't believe her ears at WHAT Hermione was screaming ABOUT.  
  
"Oh, those authors! They are going to PAY!!! NO ONE tricks Hermione Granger and lives to tell about it."  
  
Could it be? Another person who knew what was happening to the school? Of course, it WAS Granger, but in a crisis, you can hardly pick your allies, now can you? 


End file.
